Would (Not) Recommend

Gigi Silla; Washington, DC—

Welcome to “Would (Not) Recommend,” the spin-off edition of “Would Recommend,” in which I write about things that do not spark joy in my life and then rate them on a negative ten point scale. (Not sure how that works mathematically or what any of the scores I’ve given actually mean, but it’s not like I’m trying to be a STEM major or anything.) My editor suggested I do this, and, initially, I was hesitant because I like to keep things positive here in the column. But it turns out I am more of a people pleaser than I am an optimist, so here we are. 

Television 

  • Dark on Netflix (season 3): Seasons 1 and 2 slap, ok? Think Stranger Things, but it’s Germany in 2019, and there’s time travel and incest and so many affairs you’ll wonder why we even bother with the institution of marriage in the first place. Seasons 1 and 2 I would give a solid 10/10. But Season 3? I could not tell you what happens in Season 3. The plot line becomes so outrageously convoluted, and there are so many different family trees, timelines and universes—I can’t keep it all straight! -7/-10. 

Books 

  • The Overstory by Richard Powers: I tried. I really did. But I still have over 250 pages left, and I don’t think I’m going to get around to reading them anytime soon. I overdosed on tree metaphors back on page 100. -9/-10. 

Food 

  • Eggplant: Not yummy. Very slimy. A confusing name. -10/-10. 

Miscellaneous 

  • The Democratic National Convention: Listen, I love Maggie Rogers and AOC just as much as the next girl, but if Megan Thee Stallion isn’t there, I don’t wanna hear it. And why does it need to be four nights long? Can’t George Clooney just stand on a stage in Los Angeles and read Joe Biden’s name from a card like they do at the Oscars and call it a convention? Why do we need four nights of Super Bowl-esque propaganda? My Zoom graduation was more interesting. Like, fine, I’ll #settleforbiden, but why does the Democratic Party keep giving me more reasons not to vote for him? -10/-10. 
  • That time my college emailed me two days before I was supposed to leave for college that they were no longer providing on campus housing: Enough said. -10/-10. 
  • Emailing professors: Ahh! Scary! Not fun! Do I still call him Professor Smith, even though he told us in lecture to call him John? Am I afraid of him because he’s a man or because he’s a stranger? Because he’s a man and a stranger? How many times can I use an exclamation point without being unprofessional/sounding overly cheerful/generally being annoying? Is it physically and metaphysically possible for me to write emails without at least three unnecessary apologies? (Sorry if I missed anything. Sorry I’m sending this to you so late. Sorry I didn’t respond to you sooner.) -10/-10. 

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